Midlife & Menopause: How to Break Free from Toxic Striving and Put Yourself First

Are you feeling squeezed? Stretched and pulled in many directions? Frustrated, fed up or just plain exhausted?

We come to these turning points in life. Watershed moments that wake us up, shock us into action or send us stumbling, maybe even falling to our knees. Sounds dramatic doesn’t it? Well, the menopause transition can be, but with a little bit of knowledge, support and planning, it doesn’t have to be this way.

One of the tricky patterns I’ve seen in my work as a psychologist that causes additional stress as women enter perimenopause, is the drive to try really hard in life and as a result, put oneself last. She might be the super-mum, corporate executive, business owner, marathon runner, gym-junkie, volunteer extraordinaire or helper/healer who gives too much. She’s busy, driven, motivated and tired. Oh so tired.

Is it time to stop running?

What I’m talking about here is toxic striving. And although the term seemingly popped into my head from nowhere the other day, it turns out a very knowledgeable-sounding clinical psychologist named Paula Freedman-Diamond published a book in 2024 called Toxic Striving.

Freedman defines toxic striving as; “…the relentless pursuit of perfection, societal ideals, and external validation at the expense of your physical, mental, and emotional health…”

Ringing any bells? The way toxic striving shows up for many, is in our focus on keeping other people happy and maintaining levels of validation and approval that are ultimately unsustainable.

By the time we reach our mid-forties (when perimenopause often starts), we may have been people pleasing, over-giving, high achieving and down right striving our butts off for more than 25 years! That’s going to take a toll on wellbeing in all imaginable ways wouldn’t you say? It catches up with us due to the sheer level of self-sacrifice and self-denial involved. Persistent feelings of resentment and anger are clear signs toxic striving is an issue in your life.

Where did this begin?

It's an unfortunate truth that girls and women in our culture are conditioned to be likeable, kind, caring and yep, I’ll say it, demure. What it takes for us to meet these standards is to ignore our own emotions, basic physical needs, desires, intuition and sometimes our very intelligence. The tricky thing, is that humans are wired to respond to positive reinforcement and if you got the continual feedback that you’re a ‘good girl’ for being nice, kind etc., then that’s what you’ll keep on doing. It feels reassuring and safe to be liked.

And then comes your twenties and thirties; romances, study, travel, careers, marriage, motherhood, friendships, health challenges, divorce, relocations, loss, grief…. If you reach 40 largely unscathed, then you’re either very lucky or lying to yourself. Many women hit their early forties and have a moment of reflection where change feels on the cards. And this is just the start of what’s to come.

They called it “the change of life” for a reason

As our forties wear on, many of us still have school-aged children and parents who are beginning to age and need extra support. Having had children later in life than our mothers did, and retirement being well into the future, we end up in the situation of being actively involved parents, income earners and elder caregivers all at once. It’s no wonder that when the hormonal changes initiated by perimenopause kick in, the wheels fall off.

This is where toxic striving needs to be addressed and stamped out because the time for being everyone’s ‘go to’ person has reached its expiry date. Your capacity to give, or at least over-give, is swept out from underneath you and believe it or not, this is a good thing.

But then, who am I?

The discomfort of feeling increasingly fed up, annoyed and put upon as we move into our late forties gives us a wonderful opportunity to take a good hard look at our own decision-making, priorities and desires. Are there parts of your life that aren’t working anymore? What needs to change and how are you being supported to make the changes that would make you feel better?

But before you decide you hate everything and escape to Greece for an extended sabbatical – although that would be nice – take an honest look at how you identify with being the ‘good girl’, people pleaser or martyr. Take responsibility for what you’ve created as habits in how you put yourself last and begin little by little, with putting yourself first.

This might look as small as making it to that yoga class once a week, delegating a housework job to someone else or gently pulling back on how much contact you have with a certain friend or relative who drains you. It also might look like booking a counselling session, carving out a solo weekend away or reducing your working hours.

It might take time and effort to make these changes and you might need some support to make them but believe me, it’s worth it.

Tricia Woods is a psychologist and intuitive counsellor who loves supporting women navigating the menopause transition. She’s available for online or in-person sessions and is based in Fremantle, Western Australia.